August 6th, 1998

I emerge from air conditioning and glass doors
Step onto the stone and concrete breezeway
Squinting under bright noontime sunlight

My heart is racing
I wonder if it's Mountain Dew and peanut M&M's,
Or nervousness I that feel

Braced by a steady wind
The words of an email less than an hour old turning over inside my mind
"I hope you're happy with yourself," my best friend had snarled,
"I am horrifically, tremendously disappointed in you."

My fingers are cold with disbelief
I stretch an anxious gaze into a cerulean summer sky
And wonder if she's doing the same right now

A time zone and five states away from me
Almost five years that I've known her
Each of us has the other on their mind
But neither can imagine the other's thoughts

No stomach for lunch right now
I scroll the green text for my fiance' to read
I laugh
I shrug
I try to explain--
To him, to myself.
As he reads, he snorts. "Bitch."

Again I take a seat before the glowing screen
Headphones drown out the world around me
For the next three hours I type
I'm sorry
It was just an essay
An opinion
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings by disagreeing.

Night after night I had scribbled and typed
Crafting an argument I felt necessary to state
All of this over a cartoon we'd both enjoyed
A mutual interest that began our friendship
Now a disagreement that marks its end.

I begin to feel angry--at her, at myself
This is stupid
It's pointless
I welcomed her into my home
One of her pet snakes came from my neighborhood
Just six weeks ago, we met for a convention
We talked
We laughed
I hugged her goodbye
Never knowing it was the last time I would ever see my friend.

Four years have passed, and I still mark the day
The hot sun of August is cursed, I'm sure
Friends still tell me how she's doing
She changed her name, quit her doctoral program
They say she's moving to Florida soon
Taking along her snakes, her toys, her world
Her enemies, her anger, the memory of a friend.

Dead to her, but still alive
Lost, but hoping to be found.

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